Memories
by Toralu
Summary: For the Willowclan monthly writing challenge


**This is for the WillowClan monthly writing challenge. The prompt was to give your character a resolution and see if they stick to it-or not.**

**I haven't done one of these for ages so I thought I should :)**

**I don't own warriors!**

* * *

Newleaf was in the air, pale sunlight filtered down into the camp and patches of white clouds drifted across the sky. A cool breeze swept around the camp, slightly ruffling the fur of the cats in the clearing as they gathered, murmuring excitedly and sending glances towards the nursery. Paledawn was kitting. From beside the warriors den where he lay, Briarclaw watched as Paledawn's mate Sootfur hurried into camp. He had been on patrol and had only just been told. His green eyes were wide as he ran up to the entrance and paused outside, unsure. Then a white furred face appeared at the entrance, the medicine cat, and she was smiling. Sootfur's relief was clear as he immediately slipped past her into the den. Briarclaw turned his head away. He had seen Icecloud's glance towards him as she had left the den, if he had met her gaze he knew that he would have seen sympathy and regret there. She blamed herself sometimes, he knew. He didn't want sympathy.

He was pleased for Sootfur, of course he was, but he couldn't help thinking, _It's not fair, why me? Why her._ He heard excited voices behind him and his fur bristled slightly. He knew what he would see if he looked around, kits outside the nursery. His kits. His and Silverfur's. Pain welled up inside him and he squeezed his eyes shut. It wasn't fair. He flattened his ears, trying to block out the kits voices and the excited talking of the rest of the clan. They were probably relived to have a successfully kitting, unlike the last.. He could hear someone asking Icecloud how many kits there were. They had had three, they remind him so much of her. Bearkit had her eyes, Ashkit had her fur and Goldkit reminded him of her every time she laughed..he had noticed these things, even though he hadn't seen them open their eyes or their first steps. Sometimes he found himself watching them before he turned away and left the clearing, either going on patrol or into the warriors den, he couldn't stay in the clearing for long while they were out. He had spent a lot of time in his nest since they were born, or out in the forest, alone. He stood up now and saw glances in his direction, knew they too would be looking at him with sympathy. He padded into the warriors den, curling up in his nest and ruffling his fur. Silverfur's scent had almost completely faded now..he tried to picture the beautiful silver she-cat as he drifted off to a troubled sleep.

A few sunrises later and Briarclaw was crossing the clearing, heading for the warriors den. The clearing was growing dark and the kits were playing outside the nursery. He kept his gaze fixed determinedly on the wall of the warrios den as he padded across the clearing. Suddenly he heard his name and saw someone bounding towards him.

"Briarclaw," Sootfur stopped in front of him, blocking his path, "I need to talk to you."

Briarclaw looked at him warily, "yes?"

"Its about your kits."

Brairclaw felt himself stiffen slightly, "what about them?"

"They were asking for you."

Briarclaw said nothing but he guessed what was coming and felt a flare of anger. Who was Sootfur to tak to him about his kits? It was fine for him, he had his mate and kits. The perfect family.

"They need a father."

"They've got you and Paledawn," Briarclaw said curtly.

"I'm not their father and I don't want to be. You are."

Brairclaw looked at the younger warrior, slightly surprised. He didn't usually speak so openly to him, but Sootfur's green gaze was firm.

"It wasn't their fault, you can't blamed them."

"I don't blame them, I just.." _Miss her._

"They already lost their mother," said Sootfur, "don't let them loose their father too."

Briarclaw looked past him to where his kits were scrambling, racing to reach the nursery first as they were called inside. Every time he looked at them he thought of her, of what she would be doing now. They represented everything that could have been, everything that he had lost and could never, ever be. He clenched his paw, feeling a stab of grief.

"Promise me you'll try," said Sootfur, holding his gaze, "for them."

Briarclaw opened his mouth to protest. It was pointless, he didn't want kits anymore. It was too late. Then he remembered Silverfur, the love in her eyes as she looked at her kits in the nursery. She had asked him to look after them, he had said yes. He had promised.

"Alright," he heard himself say, "I'll try."

Sootfur's gaze flashed with sympathy before he turned and followed the kits inside. Briarclaw stared after him, his claws prickling and watched them go.

* * *

Briarclaw entered the camp with the rest of the patrol and headed for the fresh-kill pile. He took a mouse and settled down to eat a little way away, feeling a pang of hunger. The rest of the patrol sat down too, hungrily taking prey. He was just finishing when there was a clamour of voices and he looked up. Ashkit, Bearkit and Goldkit tumbled out of the nursery. He flattened his ears to block it out and then saw, to his alarm, that they had spotted him and were running over. He quickly stood up as they skidded to a halt in front of him.

"Briarclaw!" said Goldkit.

"Can you teach us something?" Bearkit said eagerly, "Sootfur says he's busy today."

_Oh does he?_ It was the day after he had made his promise to Sootfur. He looked around the camp but couldn't see him anywhere.

"So will you?" Bearkit asked.

Briarclaw was aware of the gazes of his clanmates as he looked at the three kits in front of him, peering at him with hopeful eyes. He felt grief wash over him. _Why can't I be as happy as that?_

"..well, okay, I can teach you one move, I suppose."

He sat down to think, his tail flicking.

Suddenly he shot up as pain jarred the end of his tail. He looked down and saw Goldkit looking up at him, his tail tip trapped in her paws.

"I go it!" she said excitedly.

Briarclaw swallowed the growl that had risen in his throat.

"Yes..very good," Brairclaw flicked his tail out of her grasp, noticing she looked disappointed as it whisked away.

"How about I show you a hunting crouch?"

She cheered immediately and all three kits dropped into their best hunters crouch, tails lashing excitedly and promising to scare away all prey within the immediate area.

They practised hunting for what seemed like a moon, Brairclaw making sure they never got too close to his tail. It was a relief when the deputy, Falconwing, called for a patrol.

Though he couldn't help picturing them as he padded out of camp. Goldkit was going to be a good hunter, he thought. Then he felt another pang of sadness, Silverfur would have said she got that from him. He blocked the kits out of his mind as he entered the the forest.

* * *

When the patrol came back into camp, the kits were still playing in the clearing. Briarclaw avoided looking at them and headed to put his prey on the fresh-kill pile.

"What's that?"

Briarclaw jumped and looked round. He had been too busy trying not to listen to them to hear the pattering of paws coming up behind him. Ashkit looked at the thrush hanging from Braiarclaw's jaws curiously, Goldkit and Bearkit behind him. _Why do they always sneak up on you? And travel in.. packs._

"It's a thrush," he said.

"Did you catch it?" Ashkit's eyes widened as if this was the most impressive feat.

"Yes..I did."

"Your father is a very good hunter," said Falconwing, who was standing beside them.

"Wow!" Bearkit's paw flashed out and clawed out a pawful of down.

"Don't play with the prey, kits," Falconwing said gently, "we should respect our prey."

"Oh, sorry Falconwing."

All three kits bowed their heads while Briarclaw stood, feeling slightly awkward. _Should I have said that?_

Bearkit's tail was twitching, at last he couldn't hold it in any longer and he leapt up, clawing at the feathers floating down around him. Goldkit and Ashkit immediately chased after him, leaping after the feathers too. Falconwing rolled his eyes.

"Kits will be kits," he said.

Briarclaw murmured something that could have been an agreement and dropped the thrush on the pile, trying not to feel too relived.

.

"Briarclaw!"

Briarclaw turned from fixing a gap in the warriors den. Goldkit was running across the clearing towards him, the sun glinting off her fur. She stopped in front of him and put something at his paws.

"I caught it!"

He looked down. A battered and very shredded butterfly lay at his paws.

"Just like you taught us!"

Briarclaw looked up, Goldkit looked like she was bursting with pride, her eyes shining. Briarclaw tucked his tail around his paws and tried not to look at the excitement in her eyes, the image of his own. Suddenly a memory flashed up in his mind, Silverfur laughing as they walked through the forest, hunting together, and pain twisted in his heart like a claw.

"That..that's very good, well done."

He had been slightly too long in replying, he saw the excitement fade from her eyes, her tail lowered and she looked down.

"Well, I thought you'd like it," she mewed quietly then turned and bounded away back to her siblings.

Briarclaw almost called after her but stopped himself. _Oh Starclan..I've hurt her feelings._

He turned away, leaving the butterfly on the ground and continued fixing the den wall, trying to concentrate on nothing but weaving the branches tightly together. He felt guilt prick him as he thought of the hurt in Goldkit's eyes but he pushed it away.

"I'm sorry," he murmered.

* * *

Newleaf had arrived and the prey was running again. Briarclaw found himself on another hunting patrol with Sedgefur and Skyblaze the next day. The forest was cool and bright, but the frost had melted and for the first time in moons the ground felt warm underpaw. The breeze lifted their fur as they padded through the trees and they could hear prey scurrying around them. Soon they had caught two mice and as Briarclaw burried the last one something large flapped in front of them. They froze and then Sedgefur crouched, his eyes gleaming.

"A crow! This one's mine," he pulled himself slowly forwards while Briarclaw and Skyblaze crouched hidden behind him, watching.

There was a pause of silence, then a harsh caw and the crow exploded into the air, cawing loudly. Briarclaw and Skyblaze bounded forwards to find Sedgefur sitting, his tail lashing and a pawful of downy black feathers in his paw.

"Hard luck," said Skyblaze, her whiskers twitching.

Sedgefur muttered something that sounded like, "stupid crow."

Among the small fluffy feathers floating around them Briarclaw looked up and saw a single long black feather spiraling down. Without thinking about what he was doing he leapt up and pinned it to the gound. He picked it up and saw Skyblaze and Sedgefur watching, looking amused. They thought he was playing like a kit. He remembered Bearkit leaping after the thrush feathers. Why had he gone for it? Ah yes, his promise to Sootfur. Well, good fathers brought their kits back presents, right? An image of Goldkit putting a butterfly at his paws sprang into his mind and he flattened his ears slightly. Ignoring the looks of his two clanmates, he lifted his chin and carried the feather with him as they went to look for more prey.

Briarclaw padded into camp, a mouse and the feather in his jaws, the end pressing uncomfortably against his throat. He was getting tired of carrying it but he hadn't dropped it. Briarclaw swallowed and then tried not to sneeze as the end tickled his nose. It was a good day so, as he had expected, the kits-his kits-were playing outside the nursery, tumbling together. He put his mouse on the pile and then padded towards them. He realised they hadn't gone to meet him, as usual, and he saw that as he approached they stopped playing and looked at him doubtfully, Goldkit staring at the ground.

"Hello," he said and stopped beside them, the feather dangling in his jaws.

There was a short pause in which Ashkit and Bearkit looked uncertainly at their sister and then Goldkit looked up, her gaze reproachful.

"I brought you something " he said, looking at her as he let the feather go. It spiralled down to the ground and the kits immediately leapt forwards.

"What it is?" said Bearkit, sniffing it eagerly.

"It's a crow feather," said Briarclaw.

Goldkit looked up, her eyes warm.

"That's what crow smells like?" said Ashkit, "smells weird-hey!"

Goldkit had snatched the feather in her jaws and whisked it away. She dashed across the clearing, the feather looking ridiculously large against her as she struggled to carry it, lifting her chin. Ashkit and Bearkit leapt after her. Ashkit landed on her back, tumbling her to the ground and grabbed the feather. Briarclaw felt a pang of worry and opened his mouth, what if she was hurt? But Goldkit had already sprang to her paws and was haring after her brother. Briarclaw watched them racing across the camp and flicked his tail. He felt as if there was a knot inside his chest as he watched them play. Silverfur should be there to see them playing too. He closed his eyes and could feel the memory of her fur brushing against his side, then he opened his eyes and it was gone, just the empty space next to him and the breeze blowing around the hollow.

* * *

The clearing was emptying as cats went to their dens for the night and Sedgefur was getting ready to keep watch. Brairclaw stretched and stood up.

"Kits, time to come in!" Paledawn's voice called from inside the nursery. Briarclaw turned to see the three kits dragging their paws as they headed inside.

Briarclaw hesitated, glancing towards the warriors den. Then he saw Sootfur crossing to the nursery and before he could think himself out of it he got up and followed him. The other tom looked up and saw him and smiled as Briarclaw stopped and peered into the den. It was shadowy and warm inside and memories of the last time he had been inside sprang to his mind. The tang of blood, Silverfur lying in a nest, her tail curled around her kits and her sides stained with blood. He took a shaky breath and then pushed them firmly away. Paledawn was lying in her nest, curled around her two kits while Goldkit, Bearkit and Ashkit were jostling for position in a nest nearby. The smell of clean, dry moss surrounded him. No blood, no pain. They all looked up at him and he saw surprise in their gazes. Sootfur slipped past him and went to lie down next to his mate.

"I just came in to say goodnight," he said, then he noticed, tucked into the moss of their nest, the black crows feather he had given them earlier and felt a small glow of warmth. Had they liked it that much?

"Goodnight Briarclaw!"

"Goodnight!"

"Can you sleep here tonight?"

Ashkit's question made him freeze as he stepped backwards. For a second he stared and he felt a wave of panic at the idea of spending a night in the den, where Silverfur had died. He looked at the three pairs of eyes turned hopefully towards him.

"No, not tonight, I..have to go out early," he backed out of the den, trying to ignore their disappointed gazes and avoiding Sootfur's.

He padded back to his den, the moon hanging above him. Toms didn't usually sleep in the nursery anyway..did they? He glanced up at the sky, the stars of silverpelt were appearing one by one. He wondered if Silverfur was there yet. He stopped outside the den and sat down, curling his tail around his paws and looking up at the sky. Would she be ashamed of him? Angry at how he was treating their kits? Grief and guilt twisted inside him. How could he mourn her, get past her death, if he saw her every time he looked at them? He sat until his paws grew stone cold then, his heart heavy, he pushed into the warriors den and curled up in his nest. He closed his eyes tightly and drifted into a troubled sleep.

Falconwing and _star had organized patrols to repair the dens. Newleaf meant new growth and time to repair any cracks or holes in the dens that had appeared during Leafbare, so Redstar and Falconwing had organized patrols to repair the dens. Briarclaw crossed the camp, rushes trailing from his jaws as he headed for the elders den to reinforce the entrance.

"Briarclaw!" he looked around.

Ashkit, Goldkit and Bearkit were running towards him.

"What are you doing?"

"Reinforcing the elders den," he said and smiled.

"With those?" Bearkit looked at the rushes curiously.

"Yes," Briarclaw nodded, making the rushes twitch. Goldkit crouched and then pounced, but Briarclaw turned his head and whisked them away at the last second so that her paws thudded down on bare earth.

"Hey!" she looked up and glared at him, then her glare turned to laughter, "no fair!"

Briarclaw turned her head again and flicked the rushes the other way; all the kits pounced for them, battering at the ends with their paws. Briarclaw purred and leapt backwards, trailing the rushes after him.

Falconwing looked around, wondering where Briarclaw had got to. Then he spotted him across the clearing, the brown tabby was leaping backwards, trailing rushes from his mouth and in front off him the three kits tumbled excitedly, trying to catch the ends. Falconwing smiled as he heard Briarclaw's laughter mingling with the excited squeals of the kits. He rolled his eyes then turned to an apprentice crouched by the fresh-kill pile.

"Galepaw, can you fetch some more rushes? I have a feeling Briarclaw is going to be a bit preoccupied at the moment."

.

A light rain was falling on the clearing as darkness fell and cats headed quickly into their dens. The clouds were pale grey but the sky still shone through in patches, the stars of silverpelt shining brightly against the ink-blue sky. Briarclaw crossed the clearing, in his mind he saw three kits, pushing for position in a nest far too large for them. _Well not tonight_, he thought firmly. He reached the nursery and stepped inside.

"Get your foot out of my eye!" Goldkit's voice met him as he entered, his damp fur fluffing out slightly in the warm air. They were fighting for his position in the nest again. They looked up as he approached.

"Briarclaw!"

"Did you come to say goodnight?" said Bearkit.

"Are you staying in her tonight?" Ashkit asked hopefully. Briarclaw smiled.

"Yes," he said, and he saw their eyes light up with happiness as he padded over and caught Sootfur and Paldawn's smiles as he crossed the den.

He climbed into the nest, the moss rustling as he curled up, his kits snuggling into his fur and felt a purr rumble in his throat. He suddenly realised how lonely they must have felt after Paledawn had her kits and they hadn't been able to sleep in her nest. He felt a pang of guilt as he imagined them sleeping alone, with no comfort. Well, not from now on, he promised himself. He licked each of them on the top of their head and rested his chin on the edge of the nest, curling his tail around them. He heard their purrs mingling with his own and the sound of the rain pattering overhead and he closed his eyes, smiling.

* * *

"Ashpaw, Goldpaw, Bearpaw!"

Briarclaw cheered with the rest of the clan, purring loudly.

His kits stood under the rockpile, their eyes shining and their fur sleek, except for the ruffled fur on Goldpaw's shoulders where she had wriggled out of his grip as he tried to groom it straight. He glanced up at the sky, even though the stars of silverpelt were not visible, he knew Silverfur would be watching. She would be proud of her kits. Would she be proud of him too? He looked back at his kits and wondered what would have happened if he were still ignoring them, trying to pretend they didn't exist. Would they still look so happy as they stood there, chatting excitedly to their mentors? Probably not. He smiled sadly as he thought of Silverfur but felt a glow of pride as he looked at the new apprentices. They would make fine warriors. A breeze stirred the clearing and he caught Silverfur's sweet scent. A purr rose inside him.

_Don't worry, i'll look after them, I promise._


End file.
